DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an
8-oz. can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately.
Soon to be discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking
it after it's no longer available.
MAC Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can.
Considered by many to be a "light" beer. All the cans look
identical.
When you take one from the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is
not on the can. If you call to ask about the ingredients, you are told that
"you don't need to know." A notice on the side reminds you to drag
your empties to the trashcan.
Anyone drinking it regularly will insist it is THE best beer. Even if he has
never tried any other beer.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world's most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer's.
Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to drink
several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few of
them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at
the same time.
Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will explode when
you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS Beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won't explode when you open them,
even if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer,
but the manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9
million six-packs have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer's can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer.
It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16 oz.
of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer
until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The
ingredients list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same
ingredients that come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that
this is an entirely new brew.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload.
This causes most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The
can looks just like Windows 3.1 Beer's, but the company promises to change
the can to look just like Windows 95 Beer's. Touted as an "industrial
strength" beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim
that all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops
break off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener
around for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
Amiga Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import.
This beer never really sold very well because the original manufacturer
didn't understand marketing. Like Unix Beer, Amiga Beer fans are an
extremely loyal and loud group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now
comes in 32-oz. cans too. When this can was originally introduced, it
appeared flashy and colorful, but the design hasn't changed much over the
years, so it appears dated now. Critics of this beer claim that it is only
meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments.
When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you're told that
is proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published
by the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians' Desk
Reference as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.
