Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT CODE ***
Project:  Version - Windows 95

Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):

#include <NONSENSE.H
#include <LIES.H
#include <SPYWARE.H /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include <PROCESS.H /* For the court of law */

#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship   another_beta_version

void main()
{
  if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
  {
if (there_are_still_bugs)
  market(bugfix);
if (sales_drop_below_certain_point)
  raise(RUMOURS_ABOUT_A_NEW_BUGLESS_VERSION);
  }
  while(everyone_chats_about_new_version)
  {
make_false_promise(it_will_be_multitasking); /* Standard Call, in
lie.h */
if (rumours_grow_wilder)
  make_false_promise(it_will_be_plug_n_play);
if (rumours_grow_even_wilder)
{
  market_time=ripe;
  say("It will be ready in one month);
  order(programmers, stop_fixing_bugs_in_old_version);
  order(programmers, start_brainstorm_about_new_version);
  order(marketingstaff, permission_to_spread_nonsense);
  vapourware=TRUE;
  break;
 }
  }
  switch (nasty_questions_of_the_worldpress)
  {
 case WHEN_WILL_IT_BE_READY:
   say("It will be ready in", today+30_days," we're just testing");
   break;
case WILL_THIS_PLUG_AND_PLAY_THING_WORK:
   say("Yes it will work");
   ask(programmers, why_does_it_not_work);
   pretend(there_is_no_problem);
   break;
 case WHAT_ARE_MINIMAL_HARDWARE_REQUIREMENTS:
   say("It will run on a 8086 with lightning speed due to"
   " the 32 bits architecture");
   inform(INTEL, "Pentium sales will rise skyhigh");
   inform(SAMSUNG, "Start a new memorychip plant"
  "'cos all those customers will need at least 32 megs");
   inform(QUANTUM, "Thanks to our fatware your sales will triple");
   get_big_bonus(INTEL, SAMSUNG, QUANTUM);
   break;
 case DOES_MICROSOFT_GET_TOO_MUCH_INFLUENCE:
   say("Oh no, we are just here to make a better world for
everyone");
   register(journalist, Big_Bill_Book);
   when(time_is_ripe)
   {
 arrest(journalist);
 brainwash(journalist);
 when(journalist_says_windows95_is_bugfree)
 {
   order(journalist, "write a nice objective article");
   release (journalist);
 }
   }
   break;
   }
   while (vapourware)
   {
 introduction_date++; /* Delay */
 if (no_one_believes_anymore_there_will_be_a_release)
   break;
 say("It will be ready in",today+ONE_MONTH);
  }
  release(beta_version)
  while (everyone_is_dumb_enough_to_buy_our_bugware)
  {
bills_bank_account += 150*megabucks;
release(new_and_even_better_beta_version);
introduce(more_memory_requirements);
if (customers_report_installation_problems)
{
  say("that is a hardware problem, not a software problem");
  if (smart_customer_says_but_you_promised_plug_and_play)
  {
ignore(customer);
order(microsoft_intelligence_agency, "Keep an eye on this
  bastard");
  }
}
if ( bills_bank_account>skyhigh && marriage>two_years )
{
  divorce(woman_that_was_beatifull_when_I_married_her);
  wave(dollars, at_lusty_chicks);
  marry(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  devirginize(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
  if (boobies_start_to_hang)

dump(young_blond_virgin_with_big_boobies);
}
if (there_is_another_company)
{
  steal(their_ideas);
  accuse(compagny, stealing_our_ideas);
  hire(a_lot_of_lawyers); /* in process.h */
  wait(until_other_company_cannot_afford_another_lawsuit);
  buy_out(other_company);
}
  }
  /* Now everyone realizes that we sell bugware and they are all angry at
 us */
  order(plastic_surgeon, make_bill_look_like_poor_bastard);
  buy(nice_little_island); hire(harem);
  laugh_at(everyone,
for_having_the_patience_year_after_year_for_another_unfinished_version);
}


void bugfix(void)
{
  charge (a_lot_of_money)
  if (customer_says_he_does_not_want_to_pay_for_bugfix)
say("It is not a bugfix but a new version");
  if (still_complaints)
  {
ignore(customer);
register(customer, big_Bill_book);
/* We'll get him when everyone uses Billware!!*/
  }
}

Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.