Immediately scan your computer for the following viruses:
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software.
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILLARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack: Once, if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colorizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS (#2): Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe t!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic ware says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
FEDERAL BUREAUCRAT VIRUS: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE LUGGAGE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you buy new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy. S
TAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4,500.
GEORGE BUSH VIRUS: It starts by boldly stating, "Read my docs...no new files!" on the screen. It proceeds to fill up all the free space on your hard drive with new files, then blames it on the Congressional virus.
Militia Virus: wipes out your operating system claiming it has no right to control your PC.
Pro-Choice Virus: Although it presents the standard "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt, it pressures you to choose "Abort", telling you the process being terminated is just "a blob of bits" which has no value.
Lyle And Eric Menendez Virus: wipes out your motherboard, claiming it was done in self-defense.
Bill Clinton Virus: causes your PC to behave unpredictably, working as expected one moment, then suddenly doing the exact opposite the next moment.
Politically Correct Virus: rephrases the "Abort, Retry, Fail" prompt as "Choice, Retry, Success-Impaired".
National Organization of Women (NOW) Virus: forces your PC to recognize its female connections as male connections.
Republican Virus: sells off your system resources to the highest bidder.
Democrat Virus: doesn't allow you to delete inefficient programs or wasted disc space - if you try, it accuses you of being a "mean-spirited extremist".
National Education Assoc. (NEA) Virus: although cleverly disguised as educational software intended to improve your system, in reality it "dumbs down" your 486DX into an 8086.
Jocelyn Elders Virus: teaches your computer to turn itself on.
LAPD Virus: attempts to stop your CPU. If your CPU resists, it is pummeled into hamburger.
Jack Kevorkian Virus: assists your CPU in destroying itself.
Ross Perot Virus: This erratic virus doesn't do much of anything, except surfacing occasionally to threaten to disrupt your system.
[All jokes are believed to be in the public domain. If you feel one of these belongs to you, please let us know the details and we will either remove the material or provide a link at your request.]
Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.