I was on my way to the post office to pick up my case of
free M&M's (sent to me because I forwarded an e-mail to five other
people, celebrating the fact that the year 2000 is "MM" in Roman
numerals), when I ran into a friend whose neighbor, a young man, was home
recovering from having been served a rat in his bucket of Kentucky Fried
Chicken (which is predictable, since as everyone knows, there's no actual
chicken in Kentucky Fried Chicken, which is why the government made them
change their name to KFC).
Anyway, one day this guy went to sleep and when he awoke he
was in his bathtub and it was full of ice and he was sore all over and when
he got out of the tub he realized that HIS KIDNEY HAD BEEN STOLEN. He saw a
note on his mirror that said "Call 911!" but he was afraid to use
his phone because it was connected to his computer, and there was a virus on
his computer that would destroy his hard drive if he opened an email
entitled "Join the crew!" He knew it wasn't a hoax because he
himself was a computer programmer who was working on software to prevent a
global disaster in which all the computers get together and distribute the
$250.00 Neiman-Marcus cookie recipe under the leadership of Bill Gates.
(It's true - I read it all last week in a mass e-mail from BILL GATES
HIMSELF, who was also promising me a free Disney World vacation and $5,000
if I would forward the e-mail to everyone I know.)
The poor man then tried to call 911 from a pay phone to
report his missing kidneys, but a voice on the line first asked him to press
#90, which unwittingly gave the bandit full access to the phone line at the
guy's expense.
Then reaching into the coin-return slot he got jabbed with
an HIV-infected needle around which was wrapped a note that said,
"Welcome to the world of AIDS." Luckily he was only a few blocks
from the hospital - the one where that little boy who is dying of cancer is,
the one whose last wish is for everyone in the world to send him an e-mail
and the American Cancer Society has agreed to pay him a nickel for every
e-mail he receives.
I sent him two e-mails and one of them was a bunch of x's
and o's in the shape of an angel (if you get it and forward it to more than
10 people, you will have good luck but for 10 people only you will only have
OK luck and if you send it to fewer than10 people you will have BAD LUCK FOR
SEVEN YEARS).
So anyway the poor guy tried to drive himself to the
hospital, but on the way he noticed another car driving without its lights
on. To be helpful, he flashed his lights at him and was promptly shot as
part of a gang initiation.
Send THIS to all the friends who send you their junk mail
and you will receive 4 green M&Ms -- if you don't, the owner of Proctor
and Gamble will report you to his Satanist friends and you will have more
bad luck:
you will get sick from the Sodium Laureth Sulfate in your
shampoo, your spouse/mate will develop a skin rash from using the
antiperspirant which clogs the pores under your arms, and the U.S.
government will put a tax on your e-mails forever.
I know this is all true 'cause I read it on the Internet.
