Tech Support: What does the screen say now?
Person: It says "Hit ENTER when ready".
Tech Support: Well?
Person: How do I know when it's ready?
When Seymour Cray was told that Apple had just purchased a Cray computer that would be used in designing the next Macintosh, he thought for a minute, and replied that that seemed reasonable, since he was using a Macintosh to design the next Cray.
A computer company I work for placed an order for computer mice from Japan. After the normal delivery period had elapsed, we contacted the airport to enquire what had happened to the consignment. The official in charge said that it was nowhere to be found and should be reported as missing. Some time later the official contacted us to say that the package had been found. When we asked where it had been, he replied sheepishly, "In quarantine."
A Microsoft support man goes to a firing range. He shoots 10 bullets at the target 50m away. Then the supervisors check the target and see that there's not even a single hit, and they shout to him that he missed completely. So he tells them to recheck, and gets the same answer. Then he put his finger at the top of the gun and shoots, blasting off his finger. When he saw it he shouted back "I don't know, it's working perfectly here, the problem must yours..."
Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction which doesn't work.
[n] A magic spell cast over a computer allowing it to turn one's input into error messages.
[vi] To engage in a pastime similar to banging one's head against a wall, but with fewer opportunities for reward.
A programmer had been missing from work for over a week when finally someone noticed and called the cops.
They went round to his flat and broke the door down. They found him dead in the still running shower with an empty bottle of shampoo next to his body. Apparently he'd been washing his hair.
The instructions on the bottle said:
Wait 2 minutes
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Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.