General Motors doesn't have a "help line" for people who don't know how to
drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers -- but imagine
if they did . . .
HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!"
HELPLINE:  "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"
CUSTOMER:  "What's an ignition?"
HELPLINE:  "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
   turns over the engine."
CUSTOMER:  "Ignition?  Motor?  Battery?  Engine?  How come I have
   to know all of these technical terms just to use my car?"
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HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "My car ran fine for a week, and now it won't go anywhere!"
HELPLINE:  "Is the gas tank empty?"
CUSTOMER:  "Huh?  How do I know!?"
HELPLINE:  "There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle, 
   and markings from 'E' to 'F.'  Where is the needle pointing?"
CUSTOMER:  "It's pointing to 'E.'  What does that mean?"
HELPLINE:  "It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and purchase
   some more gasoline.  You can install it yourself, or pay
   the vendor to install it for you."
CUSTOMER:  "What!?"  I paid $12,000. for this car!  Now you tell me
   that I have to keep buying more components?  I want a car
   that comes with everything built in!"
 ----------------------------------------
HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Your cars suck!"
HELPLINE:  "What's wrong?"
CUSTOMER:  "It crashed, that's what went wrong!"
HELPLINE:  "What were you doing?"
CUSTOMER:  "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
   pedal all the way to the floor.  It worked for a while,
   and then it crashed -- and now it won't start!"
HELPLINE:  "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product.  What do
   you expect us to do about it?"
CUSTOMER:  "I want you to send me one of the latest version that
   doesn't crash anymore!"
 --------------------------------------------
HELPLINE:  "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "Hi!  I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
   because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
   power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."
HELPLINE:  "Thanks for buying our car.  How can I help you?"
CUSTOMER:  "How do I work it?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "Do I know how to what?"
HELPLINE:  "Do you know how to drive?"
CUSTOMER:  "I'm not a technical person!  I just want to go places in my
car!"

Unless otherwise noted, all photos and text is Copyright © Richard G Lowe, Jr.